Things the guys who stole my phone have texted me to try to get me to unlock it

A version of this story originally appeared in Read Max, a twice-weekly newsletter about tech, politics, culture, and media.

My phone was stolen in early March, most likely while I was standing on the platform at the York Street station waiting for the F train. Fifteen minutes later, in a food hall under the movie theater where my boyfriend and I were supposed to see “Dune 2,” I reached into my pocket and realized it was gone. He looked at the Find My app on his phone: My phone was “last seen” at York Street but wasn’t registering a current location. Someone had turned it off.

As quickly as possible, I did all the things you’re supposed to do when your phone is lost or stolen —- mark it as lost, cut off service, and remotely erase it. I spent the rest of the night anxiously refreshing the Find My app, watching my phone move around Manhattan before it finally stopped at Rockefeller Center. I didn’t bother confronting the thief. Worst of all, we didn't even see “Dune 2.”

After two hours in the Williamsburg Apple Store the next morning, I had a new iPhone 15 and I stopped stressing. As long as I didn’t remove the phone from my Apple account or the Find My app, the phone was essentially bricked to anyone without the passcode and my iCloud password — unusable by the thieves, or the fences who I assume bought it from them. Now my phone was their problem.

Where had my phone gone? I learned (from Reddit comments – where else?) that stolen iPhones usually end up sold in bulk online, either directly by the thief or by a fence who buys stolen phones individually and then sells them in bulk. The purchasers are either looking for parts or think they can crack into the phones, wipe and resell them. This teenager on YouTube, for example, bought a box of stolen iPhones for $1,300 on Liquidation.com:

As you can see, most of the phones she tried didn’t have passcodes but were still linked to iCloud accounts, which meant she (or anyone buying the phones) still had access to all of the original owners’ texts, emails and photos. She sent a message to each iCloud email offering to give people their phones back, but only one guy replied.

I, sadly, did not get a message from a teenage YouTuber earnestly offering to return my stolen phone. Instead I received a series of texts from someone cycling through a number of different strategies for engaging, convincing, tricking or scaring me into unlocking the phone for them.

Rather than being engaged, convinced, tricked or scared, however, I was delighted. The experience managed to combine the internet's promises of international communion and international crime.

There was something oddly soothing about being in touch with the people who’d stolen my phone. Instead of it disappearing into the ether, I knew more or less where it was, and thanks to these texts, I knew that it was a source of frustration to the people who’d gotten their hands on it. As the texts escalated in complexity and rage, I sympathized with their plight. I mean, not enough to unlock my phone. But we’ve all been there – sometimes you get stuck with a difficult project at work.

In case you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some things the guys who stole (or later purchased) my iPhone have told me to try to get me to unlock it.

1) “Your iPhone 14 Pro is trying to pay with Apple Pay in China.”

The first text I got from my new friends was sent on April 28, a few weeks after the phone was stolen, and I have to be honest … it kind of got me, at least for a second. It helped that, even though this text came from a clearly bogus iCloud email address, Apple’s own “helpful” iMessage feature was sort of fooled: the auto-filled contact name said “Maybe: Apple Pay.” Maybe!

At this point, my phone was in Sunnyside, Queens:

My old phone's new owners persisted with this tactic for a while. I later got the same message again, but from a different iCloud address. Two weeks after that, on May 12, I got an identical message in which “USA” had been replaced with “China.” I'm guessing it was intended to dial up the panic, but instead it made me feel cosmopolitan and sophisticated.

2) “Iv'e bought an iPhone 14 Pro I'm using, it have your messages, emails, cards, bank, notes and personal information on it”

On May 13, my pen pals reached out from a Filipino phone number. They'd switched from the impersonal "Apple Pay warning" texts to claiming that they were the unwitting new owners of a stolen iPhone. I appreciated this more intimate approach – the message even came from a phone number rather than email address, which was a nice touch – and I was glad to hear they were concerned about my insurance claim. “Best of luck!” I texted back.

3) “Your old iPhone 14 Pro is recycled by us, we are just recycling merchants, we are not the ones who steal your phone”

The next day, I was kindly contacted by a U.K. phone number notifying me that the people in possession of my phone simply wanted to recycle it. This was one of my favorites: Sure, there’s an implicit threat (“hackers” might “contact my family” to, what, send them thousands of photos of my dog??), but it's not just some poor sap I'm supposed to help, it's the planet. Who am I to stand in the way of recycling? I replied:

4) “The phone is going be auctioned on the black market with your personal information and everything about you that you had on it.”

I got this one on the same day (May 14), from the Filipino number, which had previously claimed to be some guy who’d accidentally bought my phone.

5) “Your old iPhone has been disassembled… you do not want to take it back, because it does not belong to the law of the United States”

At the same time, I got this nearly identical message from the U.K. number. Thanks to Reddit, I discovered that most of the messages I was getting were scammer copypasta: English phrases and texts that were passed around between thieves, fences and jailbreakers to entice bereft phone owners like me.

In the end I think these two texts provide a lesson in the importance of great openers. While the previous message didn’t move me much, it’s hard not to admire the arresting visuals of the detailed iPhone breakdown, the reference to “the law of the United States,” the mocking “you’ll never catch me.” It’s an incredible intro that really elevates the literary value of what would otherwise be a rote bit of vaguely threatening text! ! ! ! ! !

In any event, I will credit them with being honest: I checked Find My and my phone was indeed in China. It looked like it was in an office building conveniently located around the corner from an Adidas store, about 8,000 miles from me.

6) “Listen! I'm going to harassed, wreck and ruin your sad, stupid low pathetic life if its not removed you mindless peasant.”

I did not like this tone from my best pal! This text (more scammer copypasta) was accompanied by two videos. One video showed a “hacker” breaking into someone’s iPhone and going through their camera roll, which was a mix of selfies and graphic videos. Another appeared to be a screen recording of a social video of a man showing off his gun. I guess this is supposed to be the guy named “Miami” who is going to come kill me and my whole family “on Monday.” I haven’t heard from them since.