‘A fun adventure every time’: How NYC couples make ‘long distance’ work

Dating in New York City comes with a unique set of challenges. People are busy, going out is expensive, and if you happen to fall for someone on the other side of the city, it can feel like long-distance dating.

The term “long-distance relationship” refers to a romantic partnership spanning many miles, oftentimes state or even country borders. But in New York City, it might be ironically applied to a couple living only a borough apart. While the distance between them may be only 10 or 15 miles, the commute via public transportation, or even through a web of streets by car, can make it feel as though they live further apart.

Karla Casco met her boyfriend Jesus Mendez Canela at a train station. But they didn’t actually chat until they showed up at the same party.

It was a mutual friend’s housewarming party. They didn’t remember exactly where — Casco said it was Queens, but Mendez Canela swore it was somewhere in “hipster Brooklyn.” But both said they remembered the first time they spoke.

A group of people were hanging out on the fire escape at the apartment when Casco’s MetroCard fell below.

“He witnessed the whole thing happen,” Casco said, sitting next to Mendez Canela at a table in the lobby of the hotel she works at in Long Island City. “And just without saying anything, he went down and climbed down to the fire escape underneath the party that we were at and got me my MetroCard. So I thought that was really nice.”

Karla Casco, and Jesus Mendez Canela at their homes in Sunset Park, and Washington Heights, respectively.

It was a quick interaction. Then, Casco was gone.

“It was one of those situations where you're like, oh my God, where did she go?,” Mendez Canela chimed in.

Bummed that he missed his chance, he left the party, too. But he ran into her again at the same train station.

“I was like, oh nah, I gotta talk to her right now, I gotta get her information,” Mendez Canela said.

They started talking on Instagram. Then reality set in: Casco lived in Brooklyn and Mendez Canela lived in Washington Heights.

“I remember my friend specifically said, ‘Man, you're fishing in a very far away pond,’” Mendez Canela said. “I didn't think anything of it. I was like, oh, I don't know, man. I like her, I want to see her, I want to see what's up. And that was kind of the energy that kind of made it a fun adventure every time.”

That outlook is what Damona Hoffman, a certified dating coach and the host of "The Dates & Mates" podcast, might consider a “green flag” when considering whether to date someone at a distance.

“I love that idea of exploring, trying something new, going to new places, and that can bring a fresh energy into your relationship if you're both finding your footing or doing something that's outside of your normal orbit,” she said in an interview with Gothamist.

In fact, Hoffman said distance should be one of the last considerations when thinking about whether or not to date someone.

“Whether it's height or income, or what school they went to, we all have this list of criteria that we are checking people against. And when you really look at it, location is very far down the list,” Hoffman said. “So the first thing I always do is get [my clients and podcast listeners] to open up on location, to open up on age and these other things that they think are deal-breakers that don't actually add up to long-term compatibility.”

For one, location can change. And most of the time, it’s temporary, until couples take that next step and move in together.

But for Casco and Mendez Canela – self-described “non-traditional people” who value their space and individuality – the distance works. That fateful housewarming was eight years ago and the two have moved around the city a lot since then – always separately – sometimes closer and at other times further apart.

“It's actually really fun because, each of us having our own little island, I feel like it's what's made it last so long,” Casco said. “Every time that we spend together is planned, it's intentional, it's fun, it's something that we both actually wanna do.”

Mendez Canela has since been living back in Washington Heights, and Casco moved to Sunset Park. To visit him, she said she gets on the N train at Eighth Avenue in Brooklyn and then does the “terrible walk” underground to the A train at 42nd Street.

On a recent Saturday evening, Casco packed her pink duffel bag in preparation for a weekend with her partner. She brought two outfits — one for casual fun and another in case they went out — as well a bag of fruit, as she knew he wouldn’t have any at his place.

Before hopping on the train, she picked up a taro bubble tea for Mendez Canela — because she said Sunset Park has much better options than Washington Heights. The commute took her two hours door-to-door. She passed the time by listening to Lady Gaga and updating Mendez Canela on every step of her commute.

Casco waits for N train, her first leg of her travel to Washington Heights.

“I'll let him know exactly when I'm leaving so he can know where I'm at, when I'm crossing the bridge, if there's delays, if there's something crazy going on on my cart,” she said. “He'll pick me up from the train. So it's something that we've also fleshed out and turned into a little routine or even like a tradition.”

The whole thing felt sort of serendipitous — the train station meet-cute, Casco dropping her MetroCard and Mendez Canela getting it for her, as if to say “You’re going to need that, actually.” The second train station meet-cute.

“It's not lost on me that I met my partner of eight years on the train,” Casco said. “I feel actually super grateful and lucky that I actually met somebody in person, and in the city, who is also a native New Yorker and is kind of on the same type of time that I'm on — it feels almost divine.”

And while Casco got off the A train at 175th Street in Washington Heights, that’s where Hannah Marks got on — carrying her upright bass. As part of her commute for love, she takes the A train into Brooklyn, and then switches to the G train at Hoyt-Schermerhorn Streets.

Marks’ boyfriend, Steve Williams, lives in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. They’re musicians in their mid-20s — both bassists — and met at a jazz club in February 2020.

“We just kept talking throughout the month, and at that point, we had been outlawed as a society from seeing each other,” said Williams, who was cuddled up next to Marks on his couch.

In March, New York City became the epicenter of the COVID-19 pandemic in the U.S. Marks left the city for the first month of lockdown, while Williams stayed in his apartment in Bed-Stuy. At first, they got to know each other at a distance.

“I think the pandemic made it a little easier in some ways to get our relationship going because we had less going on,” Marks said.

That happens to be a common experience. Hoffman said the pandemic has made people more willing to date longer distances.

“I think because we were dating virtually for so long, it didn't matter if somebody was right down the block, you were still dating them in the same way as if they lived across town or across the country,” Hoffman said.

The logistical challenges began once Marks and Williams started seeing each other in person, and as the city came back to life. Marks said owning a car often helps, especially when she has to lug her upright bass back and forth. But as working musicians, figuring out where to spend the night involved some interesting calculations.

“I end up coming here more often just because there's more music stuff here,” Marks said. “So I tend to stack my music activities around when I see him.”

On days where she takes the train, she said she listens to podcasts. When she takes the car, she said she might call her parents to keep her company on the drive.

Scheduling issues aside, like Casco and Mendez Canela, Marks and Williams said they have often seen the distance between them as more positive than negative.

“Having a little distance created a healthier relationship for me,” Marks said. “This really forced me to develop my own life separate from him. I work at night or I like hanging out with friends. It is impossible to spend all of our time together, and so I feel like that's been good to create that healthy space so that when we are around each other, we're really happy. This really forced me to develop my own life separate from him.”

Hoffman said she agreed that distance can help couples pace their relationships.

“Dating someone long distance can really help you embrace that slow love because you can't see each other every day, and you do have to space out those interactions,” she said. “And I find that the curiosity and the passion really builds in between dates.”

Of course, there have been some downsides. For Marks, there’s the packing — multiple outfits, sometimes a swimsuit if she plans on making it to the YMCA, her instrument and meals, she said. Williams, meanwhile, is a lighter packer and often shows up to her place with just the clothes on his body and a book — sometimes some meals if he won’t be back for a few days.

There’s also the small moments they miss out on, like any couple living at a distance.

“I think we've definitely missed out on maybe some of the more chill and casual aspects of the relationship at certain points because if you only get to see each other twice, it's kind of more of an event,” Marks said.

Williams added, “There kind of still is that constant longing of like, ‘Oh, I wish we could — why can't we go on a walk?’ Because that takes like four or five hours out of each of our lives.”

So after almost three years of commuting back and forth, Marks and Williams said they were ready to close the gap.

“I feel comfortable that we've come to a place where we acknowledge the space that we do need from each other but more than willing to end the space that we don't need from each other,” he said.

Marks and Williams said they plan to move in together in the spring.

“I'm excited because I've never lived with a partner before and like I'm just ready for whatever challenges that might bring, like, excited to just kind of approach something new with him,” Marks said.

As far as Mendez Canela and Casco, they said they have no immediate plans. But should they ever make the move, they said they’re ready to make it another adventure — within reason.

“I think because we're both from such different places, we're almost like — we'll kind of move anywhere,” Casco said. “We'll move to Queens. We'll move to [Manhattan]. We'll move to Brooklyn – like we're kind of almost open to creating a brand new experience in a completely different place.”