This Squirrel, Like You, Is 100% Over The Summer Heat

Hot squirrel summer.

Over the weekend, New York City marinated in a pool of its own sweat. We spent three whole days choking on molten air and dunking our miserable bodies into ice baths because Con Ed cut the power and what the hell else can you do? The first heat wave of 2019 was absolutely pitiless and I for one am not over it yet. And if you, too, feel personally victimized by heat indices that topped 110 degrees two days running, then I think you will be particularly pleased to meet our new Summer Sucks mascot: Hot Squirrel. Hot Squirrel sees you, because Hot Squirrel is you.

This little gremlin spent its heat wave melting on the fire escape outside Julie Schneider's apartment, basking in the shade and driving Schneider's cat, Gus, bonkers. Hot Squirrel, Schneider told Gothamist, "visits often and hangs out under the plants, sometimes burying things in the pots (like a walnut that sprouted into a small tree, and bits of a mop that did not), and taunt[ing] Gus through the screen of the kitchen window."

"I was kind of worried about the squirrel during the heat, but it looks like he found some shade," Schneider added.

And indeed, it does look like Hot Squirrel found some shade, but did it bring relief? To judge by the look in its marble-like eye, this squirrel has had it up to HERE with The Weather. This squirrel just spent five minutes involuntarily weeping into its tiny, overheated hands because the B52 hasn't come by in half an hour and obviously burst into flames, just like this squirrel's brain. This squirrel just dunked its whole head into the jet from an open fire hydrant only to find it dry, and sweltering, 10 minutes later. This squirrel hasn't slept in 48 hours, because sticking its sheets in the freezer couldn't make up for a broken air conditioner. This squirrel tried to hit the public pool and found it packed wall-to-wall with bodies, driving the temp into the bathwater ballpark just like in that one Hey Arnold episode.

This squirrel is totally, 100 percent over it. Wherever this squirrel is now, we hope it's enjoying the brief respite from the inferno, because the mercury will probably start creeping back up again tomorrow, plunging us all back into the hellscape whence we came. Welcome to Hot Squirrel Summer (as Schneider christened it), we're only just getting started.

Update: Schneider tells us she spotted Hot Squirrel in Greenpoint, making us wonder if it is the same squirrel pictured in the tweet below, or if this neighborhood's tree rats are simply superior loungers. We welcome any clarification you can offer on that score.