'The Fate Of The Furious' Is The Feel-Good Nonsense Movie Of The Year

As with leeks, the Olympics, and The European Society of Immunodeficiencies Meeting, Fast & Furious movies will be released into the world every two years until the end of time (after being lathered in an appropriate amount of baby oil). Through its many sequels, the series has somehow transcended its roots as a humble Point Break-ripoff (but with cars!), forgettable villains, chronological anomalies, endless backyard BBQs, and the death of one of its lead actors in real life to become the most brilliant, batshit-crazy, ethnically-diverse popcorn action film franchise of the 21st century. It has a legitimate claim to having elevated stupid-fun into the realm of commercial art (or at the very least into the realm of obsession-worthy devotion).

So anyone going to see the eighth movie in the franchise, The Fate Of The Furious (a.k.a. Fast & Furious 8, a.k.a. Fast 8, a.k.a. Furious 8, a.k.a. Family: The Movie Of The Life), which opens later this week, hopefully has a good idea of what to expect: lots of globe-trotting adventures, at least one obligatory car race that has nothing to do with the plot, Vin Diesel in white pants, and bald men bickering gloriously. These movies may be the cinematic equivalent of the steroids era of Major League Baseball, or AP Physics as taught by a teenage boy on a sugar high. But they are also filled with characters who all genuinely like spending time together despite being international fugitives, which in turn makes us all love spending time with them even more. These are people whose unquenchable thirst for family is only topped by their unquenchable thirst for Coronas.

Overall, the latest entry in the series doesn't quite reach the sublime zaniness of Fast 5; it doesn't have the emotional weight of Furious 7 (press play and let the tears flow, because you won't be doing so during this film); and it maybe has more plot holes than Fast & Furious 6 (remember the part when Brian breaks in and out of a high-security prison in about 10 minutes? Yep, still don't know why that needed to happen).

But it has a lot going for it too: the core cast is all spectacular at playing off each other at this point, and feel like a real group of friends. It pushes the series even further into Bond territory, with stops in Cuba, New York and Russia, as well as a secret master villain straight out of the Blofeld playbook. And it is the funniest film in the franchise yet, with scene-stealing turns from The Rock and Jason Statham (and flashy minor characters played by Kurt Russell and Helen Mirren who light up the screen every time they appear). This movie isn't reinventing the wheel (though it does have a few scenes of people fixing wheels), but it is a ridiculously fun, feel-good movie filled with beautiful macho nonsense and unforgettable one-liners ("I WILL BEAT YOU LIKE A CHEROKEE DRUM").

Suffice to say, it's definitely in the upper 33 percent of Fast and Furious movies. Below, we break down everything you need to know about this very entertaining, kinda dumb, and ultimately satisfying film without giving away any huge spoilers (but FYI, SOME VERY SILLY MINOR SPOILERS BELOW, BUT LIKE LIFE, THIS IS ABOUT THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DESTINATION).

Why Is It Called 'The Fate Of The Furious': There are eight Fast & Furious movies and there are eight nights of Hannukah; hot dog buns come in packages of eight; The Rock definitely has at least an eight-pack; fate rhymes with eight, ergo FATE=EIGHT.

But a fortuitous rhyme isn't quite enough for writer Chris Morgan (who has written the last six Fast movies, and also is not a 5-year-old). Instead, the concept of fate is woven through the story; it's what people in the film business might call a "theme." This "theme" pops up predominantly any time Charlize Theron's villainous Cipher (side note: why isn't it "Cypher"? This really bugs me) talks—and boy does she talk a looooooooot about fate. And that might be because this film drops the retrofitting card yet again to pull off a chronological gambit that makes you reconsider everything that happened in the previous two films (!!).

To roll everything back for one moment: in Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift, corn chip aficionado Han Seoul-Oh (say it out loud, you'll see) died. But everyone liked his haunted character so much, Morgan then wrote him into the next three films, and retrofitted his death to act as the inciting act for the plot of FF7 (so the third film in the series chronologically takes place between the sixth and seventh films—AND THIS ISN'T EVEN A SCI-FI SERIES).

We now learn that Cipher has been pulling the strings behind the villains of Fast and Furious 6 and Furious 7, leading to her directly going against the gang in this movie after they have meddled in her affairs one too many times. So 6-7-8 form an unexpectedly coherent trilogy of movies...even though 8-9-10 is also supposed to be its own trilogy...and 4-5-6 was ALSO conceived of as a trilogy...so that makes for three overlapping trilogies...and now my mind is broken.

The Man, The Myth, The Race Wars: The mythology of Dominic Toretto's crew—strict adherence to family values, Diesel's ever-present cross necklace, the BBQ addiction, Nos, the rules of street racing, and the prevalence of underground racing cults in every major city around the world—are as important to this franchise as any action scenes. Without this characterization, you just have Gone in 60 Seconds or Need For Speed. So it's a relief that all those things are given their proper placement in the movie (the necklace plays a particularly important role this time). Also fun: the franchise has finally learned how to get the obligatory classic street race in without making the plot grind to a halt (looking at you Fast Five) by getting it over with in the first scene (and that scene does actually have a connection to the ending).

Fast & Furiously Funny: Vin Diesel is the visionary producer, monosyllabic star, and gravely-voiced heart of the franchise. And his heel-turn (how could Dom turn his back on his FAMILY?!) is the major plot mystery of the film. And that's all well and good. But this movie belongs to The Rock and Jason Statham, both of whose dialogue ratio of one-liners to exposition are approximately 1:1. The Rock's Luke Hobbs is a cartoon Hulk at this point, whether he's very passionately coaching his daughter's soccer game or ripping a bench out of the wall to do bicep curls. Jason Statham is Wile E Coyote by way of Every Jason Statham Character Ever, and he steals the show in a hilarious late-movie scene that almost singlehandedly redeems the murderous character.

Furthermore, the bizarre rivalry/friendship that grows between The Rock and Statham in this film is electric in the same way that the relationship between The Rock and Diesel was in Fast 5, when any given scene could end with them punching or kissing each other. It's hard not to notice that The Rock and Diesel have barely any scenes together in this film considering all the rumors swirling around their behind-the-scenes falling out (have they since made up or are they still being kept apart on the press tour?), and that is a major loss for the series. But thankfully, The Rock/Statham have plenty of comedic chemistry, to the point where they both start cracking up after trading vicious insults at one point.

Enough Of This Analysis, What About The Action Set Pieces? Here's the tough news: nothing here really tops the two high points of the last film (skydriving/carflying and the Abu Dhabi skyscraper car jumps, one of my favorite moments in the entire series). But we get three very very good action scenes here that are all worth admission: there's a giant messy, car-free prison fight; there's a scene with remote-controlled car terrorism in NYC (more on that in a moment); and the finale's ice race through Russia is the big showstopper, and filled with twists and turns (Dom racing a heat-seeking missile? Check).

You might be wondering to yourself, "Why did they give away every single incredible action set piece in the trailer?" But if you have a scene in which The Rock picks up a giant nuke and hurls it toward some bad guys amidst a SUBMARINE CAR CHASE and you DON'T make that a central part of your advertising campaign, you are not good at your job.

About Those NYC Scenes...: It's a mixed bag. As you can see in the featurette below, they really did film around Times Square, Flatiron District and the South Street Seaport. But they also used Cleveland as a stand-in for NYC for parts of the sequence (including the awesome moment when Cipher reprograms dozens of cars and sends them hurtling out of a parking garage), and there's a ridiculous amount of cutting back-and-forth between the locations which any native New Yorker will immediately be aware of. It bugged me, but maybe I'm being nitpicky on this one.

Bonus: here's Diesel at the NYC world premiere event talking about the thrill of bringing the series back to his hometown, and his eternal love for his "brother" Paul Walker: "I just want you to know, there wasn't a second we made this movie, not a minute...not a day that went by that we weren't thinking about our brother Pablo, and how to bring him into the movie and how to represent him and how to make something that he would be proud of. Pablo, I hope you are proud tonight."

The Cast & The Characterious: The action is solid enough, but it's here that the film really lives or dies. One of the reasons the series has been able to persevere after losing Walker (and Han) is that they've added a deep bench of great actors to the crew over the last two films, including Statham, Kurt Russell's Mr. Nobody (who always treats the material and hijinks with the exact right tone), Nathalie Emmanuel as Ramsey (who doesn't get much to do but...hacking is neat?), and Helen Mirren (seriously one of the best things here, and she's only in two scenes!). Even Scott Eastwood as the token handsome white guy was not as bad as I feared (but he is NO Paul Walker). There are also brief but welcome cameos from Fast 5 alums Elsa Pataky (Elena Neves), Tego Calderón (Tego Leo), and Don Omar (Rico Santos).

Cipher, the big bad of the film (and, apparently, the last two films as well), is nowhere near as magnetic as Statham was in Furious 7. She's got a bad haircut, a predilection for lecturing Dom about her personal philosophy, and I have zero idea what her ultimate plan was (although, I think she wanted to ransom the world for...reasons? Classic Bond villain motive). Her characterization is thin to put it kindly, but because she's played by Theron, who can more than hold her own against Diesel, she's instantly more memorable than the bad guys from either Fast 5 or 6. (Unfortunately, her henchman Rhodes, played by Game Of Thrones' Kristofer Hivju, gets even less screentime or personality than Djimon Hounsou's forgettable villain from Furious 7.)

Ludacris is fine as ever (he has been waiting since Fast 6 to get his tank, so that's continuity, baby!), Michelle Rodriguez gets to smile a lot more than usual even though her husband totally just made out with Charlize Theron in front of her, and Tyrese Gibson is full-on comedic relief at this point. I have no idea what he adds to the team of outlaws other than taking selfies at inopportune times and bemoaning his status at missing out on being on the top ten most wanted list.

One thing that really bugs me though: I know there are logical-ish ~reasons~ why the gang welcomes Statham into their crew (I'm keeping this vague to preserve the joy of one particular scene), but considering the fact that he waged a one-man war on them last movie and FRICKIN' KILLED HAN, the journey from foe to friend happens a bit too smoothly for me. That is one thing that is never adequately reconciled in this film.

Feel Good Movie Of The Century: But this isn't a dark franchise about how man's savagery and the cycle of revenge degrades the soul like, say, the Bourne or John Wick movies. Past all the heisting and mid-air collisions and Race Wars, these are ultimately feel-good PG-13 films that deliver a happy ending each time, with all the extended family gathered around to drink beers and crack jokes about their latest adventures. For films built around their action scenes, there's nary a shot of blood or gratuitous violence to be found.

(Of course, that's assuming you don't think too hard about all the millions in property damaged wrought by our heroes, and all the nameless henchmen and innocent bystanders who are murdered throughout the film. Though to be fair, Cipher probably causes more of her own men to die than the gang.)

The Fate Of The Future Of The Franchise: There was no mid-credits scene (at least at the premiere) to give an indication of what was next for The Family, but we already know there are at least two more movies coming. "As the world sees this movie, they'll see how it's the beginning of a new trilogy," Diesel said at a screening, adding that certain characters were brought in for this new trilogy.

Based on that, I imagine the Shaw family will play heavily into this (you can't tease us with Mirren and not deliver in the next film); because of the aforementioned retrofitting, Cipher will also continue to be very important in some manner. There's also still room for the return of a few old characters: the most major person not to return to the series is Eva Mendes (who played U.S. Customs Service agent Monica Fuentes in 2 Fast 2 Furious), but the biggest twist could be the return of Han, which writer Chris Morgan teased recently:

“Now, that’s funny because I’ve actually been thinking about that a lot. So it’s interesting that you and I are on the same wavelength there. But I guess we’ll just have to wait and find out. I love Sung - he’s one of my favorite people on the planet.”

This would make no sense, of course—the franchise has already killed him off in two separate movies and held a funeral for him onscreen. Then again, in a series in which the laws of gravity are regularly broken, and amnesia, secret babies, and never-ending tarmacs are major plot points, who are we to say "resurrection" is off the table. (I also think there's plenty of room for another action star or two to be brought into the mix, perhaps Sylvester Stallone, Lucy Liu, or Kelsey Grammar In A Bucket Hat.)

But there is only one thing left I need from this series, only one place left that they have to go: Fast X: CARS IN SPACE. "The only way I’d go to space is if I had something so good," Morgan told Uproxx. "Look, no plans for it right now, so hopefully people will be good with that. But, never say never. If we came up with the perfect thing and it made sense, it will be awesome."

Lastly: The Official Unimpeachable Fast & Furious Movie Rankings That Should Not Be Questioned:

• 8. 2 Fast 2 Furious: Paul Walker goes on the lam in Miami. Director John Singleton uses way too many weird close-up zoom shots. Ludacris and Tyrese join the franchise. I have zero memory of the plot.
  
• 7. Fast & Furious: The 'emo' one, in which Vin Diesel stares out longingly at beaches and there's a lot of talk about guilt. It breaks the cardinal rule of the series: nobody has any fun (except for when they drive through the mountains for approximately 10 hours).
  
• 6. The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift: The best racing movie of the entire series. The one in which director Justin Lin took over. The one where they introduced Han. (Also the one with Hillbilly Paul Walker and Lil Bow Wow.)
  
• 5. The Fast And The Furious: The one that started everything. The unofficial Point Break remake. Floppy discs. Tuna sandwiches. Rap-rock soundtrack. Bro hierarchies. Ja Rule!!
  
• 4. The Fate Of The Furious: The funniest movie in the series lets Jason Statham and The Rock act like they're in a buddy comedy while Vin Diesel and Charlize Theron get into some Bondian hijinks.
  
• 3. Fast & Furious 6: In which we go full-soap opera for an overly-long, nonsensical, and throughly enjoyable action movie with stops in Moscow, London, LA and the Canary Islands. Also includes Vin Diesel surviving a death-defying mid-air catch that marks the exact moment Dom became an invulnerable superhero.
  
• 2. Furious 7: Skydriving! Abu Dhabi Skyscraper Carjumping! Jason Statham! Paul Walker's farewell ride!
  
• 1. Fast 5: The moment when The Rock joined the franchise, the series graduated from racing movies to international heist film, and every shred of plausibility was shed to make room for manic hyper-entertainment value.