Some NYC influencers are finding the secret to love: Dating yourself

If you’re single this year, many New York City influencers advise forgetting the plus-one on Valentine’s Day. It’s time to date yourself.

“I took myself to the New York ballet a couple weeks ago,” said local influencer Stephanie Rocha, 29, who preaches solo-dating to her 80,000 TikTok followers.

“I went to the club alone,” said lifestyle vlogger Chanel Spence, 28. “On my birthday.”

Look up “solo-dating” on TikTok and you’ll find hundreds of videos from New York creators who won’t stop wining-and-dining themselves. Some treat themselves to coffee and cinnamon rolls. Others enjoy Central Park picnics. Last year, an OpenTable report revealed that more people are dining alone than ever before. While this may paint a picture of loneliness, New York influencers say going out solo can be a form of self-care. And it’s far different than simply spending time alone.

“It’s about the intentionality,” said writer and podcaster Mary Honkus, who frequently ranks her solo dates on TikTok. “So many people spend so much time trying to find their significant other without stopping to realize that the most consistent relationship they’ll have throughout life is the one they cultivate within themselves.”

Honkus started taking herself out on dates in 2023 after ending a long-term relationship. At first, she was nervous about the idea, which she associated with sad and lonely people. She said that when she thought about someone venturing out alone, she pictured a loner sitting by themselves at a bar, drinking away their sorrows, a common trope in movies and TV shows.

Despite those reservations, Honkus has continued to treat herself, and has hit some of the city’s classic date spots – Gramercy Tavern, Manhatta, Via Carota and Swan Room. Her favorite is Balthazar, the iconic SoHo restaurant known for its famous clientele.

All the influencers said the impulse to solo-date began after breakups or trying times in their lives. But they emphasized that solo-dating isn’t just for single people, and many said they’ll be solo-dating for years to come, regardless of their relationship statuses.

“If you’re spending a lifetime with somebody, clearly you're gonna have to have your own life,” said Spence, who has nearly nearly 14,000 TikTok followers. “I would still do me.”

Doug Mennin, a professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University’s Teachers College, said in an email that the trend of self-dating was not surprising because we live in an alienated time. He said young people are lonelier and more anxious than previous generations.

Menin said he sees the idea of solo dating as a “healthy sign of ‘taking back’ these challenges.”

“It speaks to people self-actualizing and making a choice to be more capable of standing on their own,” he said.

While showing up to a restaurant or bar alone could be daunting, most solo daters agreed that it gets easier with time. They also rattled off countless reasons for continuing the practice: The ease of finding a seat at the bar. Cheaper dinner bills. No boring table talk. Plus, in the city that never sleeps, there’s no shortage of things to do. Why wait for someone else to take you?

Spence moved to the city from Toronto in 2023, and started solo-dating that year during a period she describes as “a self-healing journey.” She went to rooftop cinemas and fancy brunch spots.

“There were moments I got sad, where I wanted a companion,” Spence said. “But you keep going. You tell yourself, I’m never going to be this young again.”

Solo-dating, she said, is all about the intention.

“You have to pour into yourself before you can pour into anybody else,” she said while sipping her matcha latte in FiDi’s McNally Jackson, which has become her go-to spot for a solo-date.

And while it all might sound isolating, many influencers say they are set on building a community of solo-daters.

Jenny Minney, a self-described “self-love” influencer who has 24,000 followers on Instagram, recently launched an app, Soulo, which allows users to discover New York’s solo date spots. Its tagline is “make your solo time sacred.” (On it, reviewers rate bars, restaurants and more based on their charm and solo-dating ease.)

Soulo has only gained a few hundred users since it launched in September, but Minney hopes it will inspire others to gain confidence to treat themselves.

On one recent solo-date, Honkus recalled chatting with a random couple at Swan Room, the popular Dimes Square bar.

One of them said to her, “You’ve done so much. But don’t you want to fall in love?”

“I said to her, ‘Lady, I’m in love with myself.’ I would never have been able to say that without solo dating.”