New Yorkers can bid on Ottessa Moshfegh’s toothbrush, Eddie Huang's boxers

A toothbrush, a signed box of laxatives, a fake Birkin bag. All these items and more will be up for auction on Tuesday at the Manhattan dim sum restaurant Golden Unicorn, where New Yorkers can bid on items owned by bestselling novelist Ottessa Moshfegh and author-restaurateur Eddie Huang.

Although it'll be held on April Fools' Day, the event — called “How Bad Do You Want It?” — isn't a joke, insists Huang, whose memoir “Fresh off the Boat” inspired an ABC sitcom of the same name.

It's "going to be a lot of fun,” Huang wrote on his blog post announcing the event. "I will be auctioning a lot of odd memoribilia [sic] like Mr. Chow’s Goyard leash."

In addition to the live auction, it will feature a cocktail hour, plus a conversation between the two authors. The event is free to paid subscribers of either author's Substack blogs.

It’s part of Substack’s push to boost engagement using in-person events like auctions, debates and whatever it’s called when you meet a bunch of strangers in a church and tell secrets together.

After the auction preview and cocktail hour, Moshfegh and Huang will discuss the personal significance of their items. These include a signed copy of Moshfegh’s 2018 novel, "My Year of Rest and Relaxation," and a bottle of “Infermiterol,” the fictional drug that novel’s narrator uses to sedate herself into a yearlong stupor. “I will put vitamin C in it or something,” Moshfegh said in the event description (starting bid: $20).

She’s also offering two hours of “writing therapy” on Zoom (starting bid: $250). If faux-pharmaceuticals and writing therapy aren’t your thing, Moshfegh will prank call anyone you want. (starting bid: $50).

Huang — who is also a graduate of Cardozo School of Law — will “be judge judy for 30 minutes on zoom settling a dispute between any two people who desire or need my services” (starting bid: $150). He’s also selling a “genuine leather firkin my Mom brought back from China for Natashia,” his wife.

If — God forbid — audience members aren’t spending freely enough, Huang has built-in demand for his Knicks boxers.

“My friend Nick Catchdubs has promised that if nobody bids on the used Knicks City boxers, that he is going to cop those,” Huang said.

“You don’t want to be the guy selling used boxers then nobody shows up to buy them,” Huang said.

“Substack Presents: A Private Auction feat. Ottessa Moshfegh & Eddie Huang” is Tuesday, April 1 at 7 p.m. at Golden Unicorn. Tickets are free for those with a paid subscription to Ottessa Moshfegh’s or Eddie Huang’s Substacks, where you can reserve a spot. Capacity is limited and tickets are available on a first-come, first served basis.