Going To Gov Ball? Don't Miss The Bodega Simulacrum At The Nexus Of The Universe

We may be old and hidebound now, keeping our treasured memories close and our Aperol spritzes closer, but we remember when Governors Ball was on Governors Island dammit. This was before you could rent out a cabana for 25 of your friends and before a single day $255 VIP ticket got you access to "flushable bathrooms."

But it's 2019—you can tap a magic card against a screen to enter the subway system, and we don't leave the apartment without consulting our astrology app. So yeah, of course there's a simulacrum of a New York City bodega at a New York City outdoor music festival, found at the intersection of First Avenue and First Street, a.k.a. the nexus of the universe.

A press release helpfully states that The Gov Ball Bodega is "(modeled after the quintessential NYC corner bodega)," in case you forgot what the most ubiquitous retail experience in town feels like. It's "a place where you can pick up all of the festival essentials you might have forgotten at home, from snacks and water to sunscreen and deodorant."

Water is $4, bagels with cream cheese are $5 (but from where?). The only bodega-realistic pricing seems to be for gum, which is two bucks, but it had better be the fancy kind that makes your teeth whiter and your breath smell nice. Look, a "bodega cat" in the corner! Everything is just cute enough to ease you into the fact that you're paying $2 for an apple.

Our fearless correspondent Scott Lynch, who genuinely enjoys being surrounded by tens of thousands of screaming youths, ribcage-crushing bass, and words and melodies that are as disorienting and incomprehensible to us, also pointed out that the bodegas sell $2 flower crowns, which does seem like a pretty good deal.

General admission tickets are still available for the weekend at $115 per day, or you could buy 115 cans of seltzer at your local bodega.