Game Of Thrones Power Rankings: The Bells

What are you doing there Davos???

Last week on Game Of Thrones, Cersei returned, Dany had some stumbles, and almost everybody else got drunk. This week, Dany got familiar with the layout of King's Landing, Tyrion got some quality time in with his best friends, and The Hound had a family reunion. GOT is all about how people jockey for power, so click through for our SPOILER-FILLED season eight, episode five Game of Thrones Power Rankings.

1. The Glorious Ritualistic Airing Of Grievances: This was a truly legendary week for mixed feelings. Dany's heel turn, Cleganebowl, the deaths of Cersei and Jaime, and the massacre at King's Landing sent social media into an immediate, polarized frenzy of hot takes. If showrunners David Benioff and DB Weiss could put Subversion Of Expectations on the Iron Throne right now, I am sure they would—well, they'd have to put it on what is left of the Iron Throne, which, like one of the many unarmed peasant children inside the walls of King's Landing, is most likely nothing but soot now.

Before we get into the VERY COMPLICATED FEELINGS we're all having right now about the episode, let's take a moment to appreciate that we only have one more week left in which millions of people across the globe will stay up into the wee hours of the morning arguing about Dany's offensive character arc, or how Cersei's death was too on the nose, or the complex politics of sexposition, or how weird Bran is, or how The Coffee Cup Who Was Promised should have ruled the kingdom. It's true that it will be somewhat of a relief when GOT isn't dominating the cultural conversation anymore—things may have gone too far when there are multiple days of coffee cup stories about a second-long continuity goof—but there is also no heir apparent to GOT on TV right now. Having a cultural conversation at all that evokes thoughtfulness and passion from humans and animals (see below) alike is a rarity these days, so let's all enjoy the final two episodes of this wonderfully complex, wonderfully silly show.

And by "enjoy," I mean, "let's yell at each other over why this episode RUINED THE SHOW and/or was an INSTANT CLASSIC." We wouldn't have it any other way with our beloved Death, Sex & Dragons soap opera.

2. Maybe The Real War Crimes Were The Friends We Made Along The Way: We knew the heel turn was coming—the writing has been on the wall all season that this would be Dany's final arc. Or maybe it's been in the making since season one, as the tweet below helpfully spells out. Dany has come to increasingly rely on using her dragons as the solution to every problem thrown at her. Maybe the girl who didn't blink an eye at her brother's death grew up to be the woman who didn't blink an eye at the death of thousands of bystanders.

But then again, in most of those previous examples, Dany was defending herself against enemies, slavers or soldiers, not innocents. This was a serious escalation beyond anything she had ever done before. How much was she in charge of her own decision, and how much was it dictated by her genes? "Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods toss a coin and the world holds its breath," Varys says early in the episode, repeating a line that has been said more than once throughout the series.

Is it "inherently misogynistic" to reduce a woman "to her crazy impulses with zero development?" Could flashbacks have better sold the crucial moment? Or has Dany always been out for personal power without thinking of what the people really need? The show has pained itself to make a distinction between Jon Snow's desire for the greater good at his own expense with Dany's stubborn singleminded pursuit of the Throne. Was Dany naturally benevolent, or only when it suited her, and people did as she wanted? Did the show use Missandei's death as "justification" for Dany losing her shit, or is this a case where a main character’s "flaws and emotional blind spots would prove to be their tragic downfall, despite others around them warning them of the dire consequences of their actions?" Has this show just turned into "unlit sexist nonsense"? Was the episode a "scathing commentary on 21st century urban warfare" or "one of the worst TV episodes" ever?

Here's where the Powers That Be at GOTPR stand as of now (keep in mind it's only been a few hours since the episode aired, so this will probably evolve, and maybe radically change, in the days to come): the show has been laying the groundwork for this turn throughout its run, which does seem in line with George R.R. Martin's desire to upend the traditional heroic fantasy protagonists, and beats of the genre. Of course he'd want the audience to identify with, and fall in love with, a villain who never really seems like a villain until it's too late—who maybe actually isn't even a villain? (Committing war crimes is pretty villainous though.)

Things get muddled because the deck was so stacked against her: she's lost her closest advisors and friends (Jorah, Missandai), she's painfully aware that the citizens of Westeros do not love her (certainly not as much as they love her boyfriend, who also has a better claim to the throne), she's grown increasingly impatient with the few disappointing advisors she has left (bye Varys, great job Tyrion), and two of her dragon-children have been killed. She's more alone than she's ever been before, which leads to her multi-day fast and her revelation that she doesn't have fear and love in Westeros—"just fear."

But, I don't think the show turned her "into a literal crazy ex-girlfriend" because Jon Snow rejected her. It certainly made things confusing for some people that these events happened so close together (and Jon, of course, didn't help anything with his passivity). On this count, The Daily Beast asks an important question: "When Robb, Catelyn, and Ned Stark died in the middle of their stories, the show was telling us something important—that being a hero isn’t enough to save you in this world. When Joffrey choked at his own wedding, the show told us that being the most powerful villain in the world isn’t enough to save a person either. What is the show telling us now about Daenerys?"

It's showing us one of the intrinsic themes of the show has always been this: anyone, in pursuit of power, can and will be corrupted, no matter how good their intentions. War can make good, principled people make terrible compromises—and also, good and evil "exist in people at the same time, and violence isn't nearly as heroic and awesome as you think it is." Dany may not have "decided ahead of time" that she was going to murder innocent people, as the showrunners argued in the "Inside The Episode" video up above—but that is the exactly the kind of ugly, horrible decision that gets made in the heat of war. (The showrunners go on to say, "It's in this moment on the walls of King's Landing where she's looking at that symbol of everything that was taken from her, when she makes the decision to make this personal," and goddammit, they really do everything they can to dumb every complex idea down.)

I really didn't think the heel turn would work, but the more I think about it now in the afterglow of this episode, the more I feel this was the right destination to land on with her character and this story (I have to imagine this was one of the final plot points Martin fed to the showrunners way-back-when). The episode also happens to be brilliantly directed by Miguel Sapochnik, with tons of beautiful shots framing the carnage—the episode takes the spectacle that GOT does so well and turns it into pure horror halfway through, at the moment that Dany turns on the civilians. It takes the things we usually love about the show and twists it into something uncomfortable and shocking, just as it did with other iconic moments.

One of the reasons why I think it isn't working for a lot of people is because of the huge pacing problems of the last two seasons—so much plot has been compressed and jammed into seasons seven and eight, it begins to feel reverse-engineered in a very bad, unearned way. There were these artificial moves done that have been rushed and forced—imagine this season if Jon and Dany were all-in on their relationship, and this still happens; or where they never had a sexual relationship influencing them—to push Dany to this point when, with more time (like say, 10 episodes in each season), they may have more easily and naturally arrived there. The writing, to put it mildly, has not always lived up to the ideas and arcs—in some cases, as with Jaime, the arcs have been completely mishandled.

Maybe I'll feel differently in a couple days (and after I get some sleep), but I don't think the show forgot about the empathy "that has been as fundamental to Daenerys’s character as her ruthlessness"—it showed that even empathy might not be enough to be a great ruler when you are convinced this is your destiny. And believing in destiny above all else is closer to madness than it is sanity, no matter how many dragon eggs are involved.

3. Long Live King Davos: The Onion Knight has outlasted dozens of would-be kings, queens, undead Thriller enthusiasts, magical beings and two out of three dragons. He's survived longer in this show than a thousand-year-old cult priestess. A guy missing a bunch of fingertips who could barely defend himself was somehow in the middle of a bunch of epic battles with the living and the dead, and he's made it to the series finale in one piece (well, one largely fingerless piece, but still). And best of all, he did so without making everyone question his intelligence (like Tyrion), spending eight seasons evolving into the physical embodiment of a mope with a top knot (like Jon Snow) or committing genocide (like...you know...). I'm sure he was horrified by what he saw in King's Landing, but the glass is half-full there buddy! If HBO were really smart, they'd immediately greenlight my spinoff about Davos' post-GOT life traveling all across the Seven Kingdoms smuggling soup, fermented crabs, and fatherly advice to the traumatized citizens of Westeros.

4. CLEGANEBOWL 2019: RUMBLE ON THE STAIRWELL TO NOWHERE: Say what you will about Dany and Jaime and Cersei and war atrocities and the garbage pacing of the last couple seasons—your mileage may vary on all those things. Cleganebowl lived up the hype! We got The Hound having his vengeance, a clear look at Zombie Mountain's face, some of the most brutal sword fighting of the series, a grudge match literally on a stairwell to nowhere as the world crumbles around them, a repeat of The Mountain's awful eye-attack strategy, and a fiery death for both men. This was the epitome of ownage, and I can't imagine anything really topping it in the finale.

5. Cersei Wisely Avoiding Cleganebowl Dot Gif: NO THANKS, MOVING RIGHT ALONG HERE, YOU BOYS DO YOUR THING NOW.

In lieu of finding the actual gif online (alright alright, here it is), I give to you this accurate reenactment:

6. Psychotic Pirate Joshua Jackson Gets The Last Word: After conveniently washing ashore at the exact place and moment Jaime is about to enter the Red Keep, everyone's favorite bigass crossbow enthusiast and Bam Margera cosplayer decides he's going to spend his last minutes on this show locked in a death match with his great nemesis...no not Theon, he's already dead...not Yara, who he previously imprisoned...not even Dany, whose dragon-child he killed. Instead, he spent five minutes taunting Jaime over Cersei, poked him a few times with his sword, got his throat pounded, and ultimately died in a fight with a dude who can barely fight. But at least he was feeling himself in the end: "I got you...I'm the man who killed Jaime Lannister."

Euron Greyjoy: lived as a horny pirate, thrived as a horny pirate, died as a horny pirate.

7. Varys Unloads Some Hard Truths: "I hope I deserved it, truly I do," Varys says to Tyrion as he awaits his fate after betraying Dany by writing a series of frantic text messages to let everyone in the Seven Kingdoms know that Jon and Dany broke up, and now Dany is totally the worst, and everyone should take Jon's side. "I hope I'm wrong. Goodbye old friend." The Master of Whisperers, alongside his deceased nemesis Littlefinger, has been one of the most forward-thinking strategists in the entire show—he may have been quick to abandon Dany in favor of Jon, but in hindsight it seems obvious that he had his Little Birds listening to the GOT writer's room.

Actor Conleth Hill told EW he initially had "mixed" feelings about his demise at the start of this episode, but he stands by Varys' decision to betray Dany: "He was absolutely true to his word the whole way through. All he wanted was the right person on the throne and a fair person on the throne," Hill said. "I don’t have the distraction of love or desire or any of those things. And the people he needed to see clearly were both in love. So that makes perfect sense. And now with hindsight, I’m okay, but I really was inconsolable."

In what I can only hope will become a trend among cast members now that the show is at the finish line, he also dropped his true feelings about the later seasons of the show when asked whether he was disappointed he didn't get one more scene with Littlefinger: "I was bummed not to have any reaction to him dying, if he was my nemesis. That’s been my feeling the last couple seasons, that my character became more peripheral, that they concentrated on others more. That’s fine. It’s the nature of a multi-character show. It was kind of frustrating. As a whole it’s been overwhelmingly positive and brilliant but I suppose the last couple seasons weren’t my favorite."

And hey: at least he got immediately incinerated by Drogon in what was undoubtedly one of the coolest shots of the entire episode. And then he got to look down from heaven all smug and shit.

8. "A Virgil To Take You Through The Hell That Is Dany's Burning:" That mouthful is the incredibly, ahem, poetic way that Benioff & Weiss described Arya's role in the episode. They did not feel that all those close-up, lingering, somewhat gratuitous shots of innocent civilians being burned to death by Drogon was quite enough to get the audience to care that Dany is committing mass murder. They need to see a lead character with dust and human remains caked on their face to really get it: "You just care a lot more when you're with a character that you care about," Benioff said while (I assume) quoting from a fortune cookie.

"So if we saw a lot of extras running around on fire and buildings falling apart, it might've been visually interesting, but it wouldn't have had much of an emotional impact," he continued. "But when you're there on the ground with Arya, who's one of the people we care the most about, then everything takes on that much more of an edge." Don't get us wrong—we're all for emotional impacts and edges—but if you can't conjure up the horrors of war crimes against anonymous civilians who have had no agency in the story while being negatively affected by the whims of the ruling class, then maybe you're not equipped to handle a central theme of the series.

Having said that, the actual filmmaking of the sequence was remarkable and vivid as Arya weaved her way through the chaos around her, her face and body becoming more and more covered in layers of blood and ash. With bodies falling left and right, it conjured up the horrors of the dead strewn all around the courtyard during The Battle Of Winterfell just two episodes ago. Ultimately, I think it does work, but not because Arya has to guide the audience through the chaos—it's because it's a character beat in which she chooses life over death, and realize she needs to help save these people—and maybe even be a part of them.

And it ended with a gorgeous shot of a dazed Arya surveying the debris before encountering the pale horse. Hopefully she has a decent HMO.

9. Peter Dinklage's Emmy Reel: I can tell you the exact moment when Peter Dinklage nailed his eighth Emmy nomination (and possibly his win, although something tells me he'll pull out everything he's got for the finale) for his work as Tyrion Lannister. It wasn't his moment with Varys before he's burned to death. It wasn't his passionate argument with Dany arguing in favor of sparing the innocent King's Landing hostages. It wasn't his beautifully expressive look of despair as he realized Dany wasn't going to heed the bells of surrender.

It came at the 29:07 mark in the episode, when he cocked his head ever so slightly to the right and told his brother, "Tens of thousands of innocent lives. One not particularly innocent dwarf. Seems like a fair trade. If it weren't for you, I never would have survived my childhood." He shakes at Jaime's protestation, and his head looks heavier than ever, like he could collapse with barely a flick: "You were the only one who didn't treat me like a monster. You were all I had." He's carrying all the years of abuse at the hands of the rest of his family, and from complete strangers who looked at him like he was a mistake who never should have survived. The brothers' embrace is the emotional high point of the episode, and one of the (many) all-time great scenes for Tyrion. I'm not crying, you're crying (I was also crying).

10. Jon Snow's Whaaaaaaaaaaa Face: There are no words, only whaaaaaaaaaaas.

Being the lead actor on a hit TV series sure does seem nice:

11. The Most Efficient Death Of The Episode: It was somewhat ironic that Qyburn was fatally tossed like a discus by his own freakish creation—at the very least, it could have fit nicely as a lost verse from the Alanis Morissette song. Zombie Mountain treated Qyburn the same way The Hulk treated Loki in the first Avengers movie, all because Qyburn raised his voice and tried to prevent him from getting into a fight with his brother. If only Qyburn had a giant crossbow handy at the time...

12. Jaime And Cersei Were Killed By Bricks Dammit: "To be honest, I never really cared much for them, innocent or otherwise," Jaime says to Tyrion during their heart-to-heart. It's a line which points to a fundamental failing in Benioff and Weiss' arc for the Kingslayer, the guy who broke his sacred oath and killed the Mad King because he was on the verge of murdering everyone in King's Landing. Everything we've seen in the entire show has proven that Jaime isn't the heartless, selfish monster he once pretended to be—his "relapse," as the showrunners called it last week, and desire to be reunited with Cersei is wholly unconvincing. Jaime is hateful because of Cersei—she is at the root of every shitty decision he made in his life, in all the pain and misery he's inflicted on himself and others. It took awhile, but he had clearly realized this...but none of that mattered in the end. "Nothing else matters. Only us."

Cersei, one of the great characters in the entire series, got almost nothing to do this season (we never did find out whether she really was pregnant, or whose baby it was, fun storyline guys). Actress Lena Headey has been one of the anchors of the show, but her story arc was condensed and minimized to the point of feeling like just a small impediment to Dany's destruction. As Headey told EW, she had mixed reactions to her death. But she came around: "I think the biggest surprise is he came back for her. Cersei realizes just how she loves him and just how much he loves her. It’s the most authentic connection she’s ever had. Ultimately they belong together." In that last moment in each other's arms, Headey said, "It’s maybe the first time that Cersei has been at peace."

13. The Residents Of King's Landing: When you go into a death match against your zombie brother, you already know there isn't going to be a happy ending. If you commit treason against your Queen, you're well-aware of the possibly consequences. If you're a member of the Golden Company or the Unsullied, well, sudden death comes with the territory. But those "hostages"/King's Landing red shirts really got fucked. It was an absolutely terrible week to be a passerby, a local merchant, a pacifist, a homemaker, or an innocent child.

It was also a terrible week to be Vicky :(

14. Emilia Clarke: If you've seen any behind-the-scenes video with her (or say, watched the adorably sweet Omaze vid in which she runs around NYC dressed as Jon Snow), then you know just how effortlessly charismatic Clarke is in real life. Dany has had plenty of iconic moments throughout the series, but the writers have not really been able to utilize her natural goofy charm, which is probably a consequence of playing such an intense character. This is just to say that it is truly remarkable how much good work Clarke has done considering that she's spent 50% of the the last couple seasons acting in front of green screens across from giant tennis balls (and that doesn't even take into consideration having to force romantic chemistry with Kit Harington!).

Also: her acting tonight was some of her best in the entire show. She sold the hell out of this twist. And it's clear that knowing Dany's fate was eating away at her during her few press appearances to start the season. When Vanity Fair asked her about filming her final scenes, she said, "It fucked me up...Knowing that is going to be a lasting flavor in someone’s mouth of what Daenerys is..." before trailing off. And just look at how she reacted when asked about the ending on the red carpet:

15. The 594 Children Whose Parents Named Them After Daenerys Stormborn Of The House Targaryen, The First Of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals And The First Men, Khaleesi Of The Great Grass Sea, Breaker Of Chains, Mother Of Dragons, Sleeper Of Daario, Inadvertent Incinerator Of Little Children, The Meereen Machine, Into The Distance Starer, High Lord Of Title-Heavy Introductions, Queen Of Nothing, Arriver At Opportune Times, Master Of Smooth Breakups, Definer Of Perpetuity, Asker Of People To Bend The Knee, Incest Practitioner, Drinker Of Pumpkin Spiced Lattes, Perpetrator Of Genocidal Massacres: That number, according to NBC, includes 560 baby girls born last year named Khaleesi, 19 named Caleesi, eight named Daenarys, and five named Khaleesie. And just to be clear: those numbers are just from 2018, so we can't even imagine how many thousands of parents will have to start preparing themselves for the day their precious Khaleesis do a Google Search about the origins of their name.

The Viserys Targaryen Memorial Least Powerful Person Of The Week Award: Boy oh boy were the Golden Company a complete garbage squad of sellswords! You could easily give this award to the entire group, which never stood a chance against WMD(ragons), but let's narrow it down to That One Golden Company Dude With The Fancy Haircut Who Stands In Front Of The Other Golden Company Dudes, I Bet He Wishes He Hadn't Stood In Front Now. Did you remember that we met him once or twice earlier this season? And he even had a name—it's Harry Strickland (I had to look it up). As the inimitable Leslie Jones put it, "Yeah man, you was looking all fuckin' elegant and shit all on your pretty horse...this ain't lookin' good for ya."

The Ser Pounce Memorial Most Powerful Pet Of The Week Award: Was there really any question that this week's winner would be The Very Meaningful Horse With The Killer Haircut Who Arya Meets At The End? The horse, who was very meaningful (did you pick up on this?), could be a nod to the "pale horse" from Revelation 6:8 (whose rider's name was Death, get it); or maybe it symbolized the life that could emerge out of the fog of war; or maybe Bran actually did something useful and warged into it to help Arya get out (LOL I doubt it); or maybe it was a horse with no name for a girl with no name; or perhaps the GOT writers have embraced the Yeehaw agenda. Personally? To me? The horse represents All The Very Good Boys Who Really Want To Be Free Of The Shackles Of GOT Content, but I may be projecting.

HOLD ON A SECOND I'M STILL NOT OVER THE WAY JON SNOW TREATED GHOST LAST WEEK: I'm sure Ghost is a distant memory to Jon Snow at this point, but his shoddy treatment is still haunting me. Here's a little salt to rub in those wounds: the episode's director David Nutter told HuffPost that the infuriating reason for the distance between Snow and Ghost was because of CGI: "Since the direwolves are kind of CG creations, we felt it best to keep it as simple as possible. And I think that it played out much more powerfully that way." WTF, clearly not a single viewer agreed with you, you nutter! They can spend millions of having CGI dragon flights straight out of The Neverending Story, but you couldn't splice together a single pet?!

I'm not over it—maybe I'll never be over it—but at least I can take some small comfort in knowing I'm not the only one.

The Hodoriffic Honorary Minor Character Of The Week Award: Grey Worm deserves props for...um...becoming a terrifying unhinged murderer? He doesn't seem appropriate. Instead, we're giving this one to The Unsullied Dude Guarding Jaime Lannister. Sure, he was really bad at his job and should have AT LEAST checked with his supervisor before abandoning his post, but he did handle Tyrion's broken Valyrian ("I drink to eat the skull keeper") with considerable aplomb.

The Leslie Jones Award For Outstanding Celebrity Contributions To GOT Fandom: Jessica Chastain took the early lead when she tweeted a (slightly confusing) statement about Sansa in response to last week's episode:

T-Pain was of course delightful as ever:

Between GOT and the Veep series finale, HBO broke Kumail Nanjiani:

But the winner is Mindy Kaling, who was surprisingly unsympathetic to the denizens of King's Landing...and she kept things very real:

Hey! Remember That Thing? Of The Week: It feels like only last season (which it was) when the Queen of Thorns tried to give Dany some friendly advice about ruling, and Dany exclaimed, "I am not here to be queen of the ashes," and uh...that didn't work out so well.

Speaking of foreshadowing, here's another ashy doozy: in the season two episode "The Prince Of Winterfell," Cersei kidnapped the prostitute Ros (who she thought was Shae, Tyrion's lover), and Tyrion said to her: "A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid."

BOATSEX WATCH 2019: How Much Pro-Incest Propaganda Was In The Episode? On the one hand, Jon Snow once-and-for-all rejects Dany. On the other hand, this is what passes for true love on this show at this point:

Way Beyond The Wall: Sansa, Brienne and Bran sat this one out at Winterfell. Sam, Gilly and Bronn were all like, "no thanks" as well.

Now for the regular absentees: Yara has successfully retaken the Iron Islands, the people of Dorne (which doesn't include any characters we know, because they're all dead) stand behind Dany (unless Varys' message changes their mind), and The Ghost Of Ned Stark's Man Bun is still happily buried in the crypts under Winterfell. More minor randos who are MIA: Robyn Arryn (aka Prepubescent Julian Casablancas), Salladhor Saan, Daario Naharis 2.0, Meera Reed, Edmure Tully (?), The Children Of The Forest (maybe some of them are still kicking?), The Faceless Men (I guess they count?), and of course, the mighty Hot Pie, who I pray will appear one more time before this whole thing is over.

On next week's SERIES FINALE episode of GOT, everything will get wrapped up in a satisfying manner that will please all viewers (LOL). Until then, if you need to know anything about me, it is that I unabashedly love "Old Town Road" and will include any and all references to it at any chance I get: